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You are here: Home / Depression / I Never Wanted To Be a Mother

I Never Wanted To Be a Mother

October 30, 2014 by Lisa 5 Comments

 I never wanted to be a mother.

At twenty-nine years old, I wasn’t the kind of woman anyone would call maternal. I didn’t coo over babies or rub pregnant women’s bellies hoping I’d be next. I wasn’t the friend anyone called to babysit their children – not even for a quick trip to the store. And I certainly wasn’t the one who volunteered to change a diaper.

I Never Wanted to be a Mother via Atypical Familia by Lisa Quinones-Fontanez

I liked after work cocktails, late night parties, and sleeping til noon. I liked getting up to go whenever I pleased, eating a hot meal when I was hungry and only cooking for special occasions. Because most nights, “cooking” dinner consisted of a ham sandwich and maybe some chips.

When my husband Joseph and I first moved in together, everyone asked when we would get married. When we got married, everyone asked when we would have a kid. “When are you going to have a baby?” I’d cringe and change the subject. I am certain at some point I was the topic of conversation around someone’s Thanksgiving table. “She probably can’t have kids.” I bet they whispered between bites of turkey and arroz con gandules. Because obviously, the inability to have children was the only reason why a woman wouldn’t have one.

I was juggling a full time job while taking college classes at night. I was reading and writing and had little time for anything else. I had the next few years of my life mapped out. And being a mother wasn’t part of my plan.

Then I got pregnant. During those first few months, I wondered how being a mother was going to change my life. And I felt a bit of resentment. I was scared. I worried about what kind of mother I would be because what kind of mother resents being a mother.

I think even my mother worried. I was at a family BBQ and my mother was holding someone’s newborn baby. “Here,” she said trying to thrust the baby into my arms, “practice holding a baby.” I shook my head and folded my arms tightly over my belly. “I am not practicing on anyone’s baby but my own.”

I was five months pregnant and still wanted nothing to do with babies.

The week I turned 30 years old, I found out I was having a boy. And it became real. I registered for baby things, began buying clothes and toys.

Shopping for baby was easy and fun. It was everything else that still worried me.

The first time I held Norrin in my arms, every fear faded away. Nothing else mattered. My life now revolved around another human being. I was okay with it. It was comforting.

By the time I was pregnant again, I had settled into my role as a mother. I was still balancing a full-time job and taking college courses at night. I was still reading and writing. And while my life plan had been altered, I still had a plan. This one included children.

In my 16th week OB-GYN visit, I was told the baby had died. A “missed miscarriage,” they called it.

Related: You Would Have Been

The weeks that followed were the darkest and loneliest of my life.It was Norrin who helped me through my depression.

All I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. But he was only four years old, he needed me. And I needed him.

My loss made me realize how much motherhood meant to me.

The thing I never wanted to be, became one of the things that defined me.

Being a mother changed my life in every possible way. And it has been a blessing. Motherhood has brought me a joy I never knew could be possible.

Ten years ago, I had no desire to be a mother. Now I couldn’t imagine my life without being one.

Related: Will We Ever Need a Passport?    

Related

Filed Under: Coping with Loss, Depression, Feature, Miscarriage, The Personal Tagged With: Atypical Mami, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pour Your Heart Out

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Comments

  1. Shell says

    October 30, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I'm so glad you had Norrin to help you through. xo

    I remember talking to a coworker about a trip I wanted to take- it was to a remote spa somewhere in the middle of Montana and she laughed and said "Don't have kids anytime soon." About 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and I replayed what my friend said, going into a panic. But really, I couldn't imagine life without my boys.

    Reply
  2. Twingle Mommy says

    October 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    I lost two babies after my daughter was born and I was amazed at how she helped me get through it. Like you all I wanted to do is cry but I couldn't since my daughter needed me.

    Reply
  3. Ruby Wright says

    October 30, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    I felt the same. My life was planned around my success and I was such a creature of habit. I'm with you tho I can't imagine my life even after a loss I felt the darkness and was eager to continue to be a mother. Thanks you for sharing!

    Reply
  4. Betty Galvan says

    October 31, 2014 at 2:29 am

    I will never forget that I once completely missed a new born baby in the room! Everyone must have thought I was a monster! I didn't think it was for me, until it happened. 3 boys later and I still can't decide if my family is complete. Can you believe that??? Thanks so much for sharing… love all your work. xoxo

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Hispanic Barbie: A Barbie Doll Just For Me {Christmas Gifts I’ll Always Remember} says:
    June 16, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    […] When she arrived in the mail, all the memories of my childhood Christmas came back to me.  I may have never wanted to be a mother, but I held on to my dolls hoping to pass them along to my daughter. When I got pregnant and found […]

    Reply

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Hi, I'm Lisa aka @laliquin on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest & Snapchat. I'm a 40-something mom raising a son with autism in The Bronx, NYC.

Atypical Familia is a personal blog & resource site for Typical Parents raising Extraordinary Kids. We focus on autism parenting, special needs travel, work/life balance, family entertainment and more. This is parenting from a unique perspective.

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I'm Lisa aka @laliquin on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest & Snapchat. Get to know more about me and my familia!

Atypical Familia focuses on autism parenting, special needs travel, work/life balance, family entertainment and more. If you'd like to work with us, send us an email: autismwonderland(@)gmail.com. 

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laliquin

🐢 🦥 Slow and steady... I don’t want to mis 🐢 🦥 Slow and steady... I don’t want to miss a thing.
I should be working... but it’s Sunday and I’m I should be working... but it’s Sunday and I’m easily distracted. P.S. Why didn’t y’all tell me about Married at First Sight sooner?! How is it that 9 seasons in, I’m just discovering it?
cre•ate : bring (something) into existence 🌻 cre•ate : bring (something) into existence 🌻 woke up grateful for another day and the life I’ve been able to create. Day by day, my life gets better because I get better. It’s been a slow process. First I had to figure out the life I wanted. Then I had to realize that I DESERVE the life I wanted.
Happy. Unhappy. Stronger. Weaker. Better. Worse. C Happy. Unhappy. Stronger. Weaker. Better. Worse. Change. Complain. Accept. Deny. Accomplish. Regret. Finish. Quit. 
I DECIDE. 👊🏽
🦋 🦋
🖤 🖤
It’s more than okay. Today I can be grateful not It’s more than okay. Today I can be grateful nothing in my life turned out the way I planned. My life is turning out to be exactly the way it’s supposed to be. My HPs plan is better than I could’ve ever dreamed of. 🌻
Just winging it. Life. Eyeliner. Everything. Just winging it. Life. Eyeliner. Everything.
Never ever 🖤🌀 Never ever 🖤🌀
4🔥5 . . . . . As per my young friends “This 4🔥5 
.
.
.
.
.
As per my young friends “This gotta go on the grid. This is not a story pic.” 🤣🤣🤣 Thank you for this collective effort 📷 @ashestogoodvibes @loutimes5 💛 #flyageless
euphoria: the feeling or state of intense exciteme euphoria: the feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness 🌻 I may struggle with depression and anxiety but I also have moments of pure and genuine happiness. That is where I am right now. One of the gifts I’ve received in sobriety is the ability to hold space for all of my emotions. I feel them, I acknowledge them and I let them pass. For me, it’s in the passing where the power is... I don’t stay in it. ✨ 45 is going to be amazing. ✨
Depression and anxiety can easily knock me down. B Depression and anxiety can easily knock me down. But I continue to get up. I do my hair, throw on some hoops, dab a little gloss and give myself a pep talk. Dear Me, I know you’re scared, but you can handle this. Keep going. Love, Me 🌻#selfcareseptember #radicalbodylove
No I’m sorry or explanation necessary. Just NO a No I’m sorry or explanation necessary. Just NO and keep it moving. ”No” is hard when you’re a people pleaser but boundaries are absolutely necessary. It’s something I’m learning to do to maintain my own peace of mind. Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect. And I respect myself way too much to allow anyone to disrespect me. 💥 periodt ✌🏼 #selfcareseptember #radicalbodylove
I try to start my mornings with a gratitude list. I try to start my mornings with a gratitude list. After meditating and writing my list, I opened my Beautiful You book. Describing myself in 25 words or less without using roles or physical features was not easy. It took a little time. But I did. Making healthy choices, setting boundaries is a daily practice. I am grateful I have the willingness to do so. I am grateful I can pause and breathe through my anxiety. I am grateful I have the courage to follow my dreams. Thank you @rosiemolinary - I am grateful for your words and online presence in my life. Hope we can be in the same room again soon. xoxo amiga 💛 #selfcareseptember #radicalbodylove
One of my favorite Frida quotes... I understand th One of my favorite Frida quotes... I understand the loneliness. More so during the quarantine. As painful as it has been, it’s allowed me to heal. The solitude forced me to figure myself out. I may not always be happy about my situation, but I am happy with myself. And I think it shows. 💛 #selfcareseptember #radicalbodylove
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