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You are here: Home / Coping with Loss / You Would Have Been…

You Would Have Been…

January 19, 2018 by Lisa Leave a Comment

This is a post I wrote in 2014, but the feelings are still the same. Because I will always wonder who they would have been.


You Would Have Been Three

The May I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I was happy. It was the right time. We were ready. The due date was January 20th – The Boy’s birthday.

That August – in my 16th week – I had a missed miscarriage.

Quote on Miscarriage via Atypical Familia by Lisa Quinones-Fontanez

Related: Everything This Picture Reminds me Of 

This is an open letter to my baby in heaven:

I don’t even know if you were a boy or a girl. In my mind, I imagine you as a girl. A little girl with bobbed curls, dimpled cheeks and bright eyes. You are the little sister, Norrin asks for. I would have named you Leia.

You would have been three years old.

There is not a day that passes that I do not think of you. But the days in August and January are the ones that make my heart ache the most. August is when I lost you and I mourn for my loss. And January, I mourn for you and all the things you could have been.

As I shop and prepare for Norrin’s 8th birthday. I think of you. And I have to stop to catch my breath and blink my tears away. I think about how fun three can be. And what party theme you would have wanted.

I think about how unfair my grief is to Norrin. It’s hard to celebrate another year of life, when I am reminded of loss. When he sees me crying, he sits besides me and asks if I’ve been watching a sad movie. And I envy his innocence. He is unaware I am crying for you.

On the 20th, I hold my tears in. It is Norrin’s day and I celebrate him. When we light his candles, I think about all the progress he’s made over the course of the year.  And when he blows out the candles, I make a wish for Norrin and say a prayer for you.

While I was pregnant, people asked me if I was scared of having another child with autism. But this week as I think of you at three years old. I don’t think of autism or special education or more therapists in our home.

All I think about is how much joy you would have brought us. I think about how I would have loved tucking you in and reading you bedtime stories. I think about what an awesome big brother Norrin would have made. I think about how wonderful it would have been for Norrin to have a sibling, to have someone else in this world, someone he could depend on after I am gone. I think about all the memories and milestones we have been denied.

I think how much I would have loved to hold you, even if just once.


 Related: Loss

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Filed Under: Coping with Loss, Miscarriage, The Personal Tagged With: Coping with Loss, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pour Your Heart Out, Reposted from AutismWonderland

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Welcome!

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Hi, I'm Lisa aka @laliquin on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest & Snapchat. I'm a 40-something mom raising a son with autism in The Bronx, NYC.

Atypical Familia is a personal blog & resource site for Typical Parents raising Extraordinary Kids. We focus on autism parenting, special needs travel, work/life balance, family entertainment and more. This is parenting from a unique perspective.

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I'm Lisa aka @laliquin on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest & Snapchat. Get to know more about me and my familia!

Atypical Familia focuses on autism parenting, special needs travel, work/life balance, family entertainment and more. If you'd like to work with us, send us an email: autismwonderland(@)gmail.com. 

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It was a beautiful day for baseball. This kid hasn It was a beautiful day for baseball. This kid hasn’t been on the field in almost 2 years. But he got right back into it. It was amazing.  Forever grateful to @d3sportsandrec for creating a space for our kids. #autismawarenessmonth #d3sportsandrec #thebronxisbeautiful #thebronxdoesitbetter #bronxkids
I will always remember this photo taken at Orchard I will always remember this photo taken at Orchard Beach. Norrin was just diagnosed with autism and I was shattered. He was two and a half years old and there were so many milestones that he hadn’t met. I was full of resentment and fear and guilt. I had no idea what the future would look like. I couldn’t see any hope or progress. Norrin is 15 and I am just amazed by how far he has come. He has taught me so much about life. I still have fear. At 15, Norrin’s autism is no longer “cute.” There are things he struggles with and things I work to protect him from. But I have hope today. For that I am so grateful. Sometimes people will apologize when I say “my son has autism.” I assure them, there’s nothing to apologize for. Raising a kid with autism is not easy. There are moments when it still crushes me. But I would not change anything about our journey. It’s made us both who we are. 💙 I am so proud of Norrin. Of all the things I’ve ever done or will do, being his mama is by far the best. #autismawarenessandacceptance
Sometimes self care looks like making yourself a g Sometimes self care looks like making yourself a good dinner. I’m learning to enjoy cooking for one. I don’t need to rely on sandwiches, snacks or Grubhub. I made salmon in the air fryer and it was amazing! I used lemon pepper, garlic parsley, sea salt and olive oil. Super easy and done in 10 minutes. While the airfare was going, I sautéed cauliflower rice using the same seasoning (and butter instead on evolution). Also I don’t know what took me so long to get on the cauliflower rice bandwagon. I am officially sold on it. 
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#dinnerforone #solocooking #airfryercooking #airfryersalmon #cauliflowerrice
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cre•ate : bring (something) into existence 🌻 cre•ate : bring (something) into existence 🌻 woke up grateful for another day and the life I’ve been able to create. Day by day, my life gets better because I get better. It’s been a slow process. First I had to figure out the life I wanted. Then I had to realize that I DESERVE the life I wanted.
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