I posted this #365FeministSelfie last week on Instagram and wanted to share the story behind it.
When I wrote this post on Turning 40, I had no idea I was pregnant. A few hours after sharing it on Facebook, I ran across the street to the Duane Reade for a pregnancy test and rushed back to the office. The 3-minute wait felt like the longest of my life. All I kept thinking was that it couldn’t be possible.
And then I saw YES blink across the small screen. (I bought the digital test, I wasn’t trying to mess around with the + or – signs.)
YES! As in, yes I was pregnant for the 3rd time.
Yes. I was soon to be 40 and pregnant.
Yes. I had gotten pregnant without even trying (and without even wanting to be pregnant again).
Yes. I was pregnant in August. And if you know me or have been following me for a while, you know that August is a tough month for me.
My husband was over the moon with the news. I didn’t want to tell many people other than him. But it was Thursday and I was heading into Queens to pick up Norrin so I told my parents. And because I can’t keep a (happy) secret, I told a few friends.
Related: Why I Wouldn’t Share My Pregnancy News on Facebook (Babble.com)
In between my excitement and browsing maternity clothes and baby registry sites (because who can resist any reason to shop) I worried. All of a sudden, everything in my life (from being 40 to having a 9-year-old) was called into question and raised some concern.
- My student loans that are nowhere near being paid off
- Money
- Living in a 2-bedroom apartment
- The 2-bedroom apartment that needed to be repainted before the baby was due in April (because yes, I had calculated the due date)
- My day job
- My writing
- Finding another babysitter
- Affording another babysitter (childcare is expensive)
- The possibility of having another child with autism
Don’t get me wrong, I was happy. I was hopeful. I was all the feelings that come along with pregnancy. I was dreaming about a little girl and thinking of baby names. I bought prenatal vitamins and scheduled my appointment with my OBGYN. Over the next few days, I’d stop in the doorway of Norrin’s room and imagine where I’d put the crib, rearranging the furniture in my head.
I told myself that this time, it was really meant to be.
When I started to bleed on Monday morning, I tried to calm myself down. Sometimes women bleed during their pregnancy, I told myself. I went about my Monday routine and dropped Norrin off at the daycare before going to work. But the bleeding continued and it was followed by cramping.
I called my doctor and asked if I could be seen. And she confirmed my fear. I was having another miscarriage.
RELATED: How to Support a Friend Cope with a Miscarriage (Latinamom.me)
I spent the rest of the week, crying on my sofa watching Gossip Girl, waiting for the baby to naturally leave my body and going to the doctor office for more blood work (to make sure my HCG levels were going down).
This morning, my doctor called. My HCG levels are at a negative number. My pregnancy is over. And for the second time in five years, I am coping with pregnancy loss.
I was 5 weeks pregnant and I only knew for less than 5 days. I never had a sonogram. I never heard a heartbeat. But it still hurts.
Not once during my grief, have I thought about any of things I worried about. None of them matter. There is no sense of relief, only a sense of overwhelming loss.
Because I know we would have made it work. And though it wouldn’t have been easy, it would have been worth it.
I didn’t think I wanted another child. And I never believed that Norrin needed a sibling. But it would have been nice.
“…the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing.” Jody Pratt, Suffering in Silence – How One Woman Coped with Her Miscarriage
Ay, Lisa. I’m so very sorry. I sent you a PM. Hugs, amiga.
Oh, my dear Lisa. Please know that I grieve with you and I am here for whatever I can do. Right now I am just praying for you and your family to get through this.
I am sorry, amiguita.
Love,
Laurita
Big, giant hugs to you. <3 We love you.
I am so sorry for your loss, Lisa. May God give you and your family peace and comfort in these tough times.
I’m so sorry, Lisa. Sending big hugs to you and your beautiful family. <3 <3 <3
You are a good mother to your son and to your two other babies. Hold them in your heart. Hugs Lisa.
awwwww sweetie. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know I’m thinking of you and wish I could give you a hug. Take care of yourself. Abrazos!
Amiga, my heart goes out to you in this time of loss. I am so very sorry. I won’t utter any platitudes, I have been there and they didn’t help me in my pain but knowing others were there for me did. So I say to you, you are loved… fiercely loved. Never forget that. I am here if you need to talk. We can meet up. xoxo
I’m in tears over here, amiga. I love you and I am so sorry for your loss.
Hi Lisa, I’m really sorry for your loss. 🙁
Sending you lots of love, peace and a huge hug.
I’m so sorry. Pregnancy loss at any stage is devastating. I found that it was good for me to talk and write about it. I was amazed once I opened up how many women I knew also had a miscarriage but never said anything.
So deeply sorry for your loss. You have been a source of inspiration for me since finding out a few years ago my son was diagnosed with autism. Prayers to you and your family.
Oh Lisa, my heart breaks for you and your family. Sending a big hug.
I am so sorry, Lisa. Five weeks or not, it’s still a painful loss. Sometimes the embrace of those who care for us makes these kinds of things just a bit easier to get through. Thank you for sharing with us.
so so so many hugs.
So sorry Lisa. Please know I’m thinking of you, and wishing you comfort in the days ahead.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Five times in a row, actually. It truly is a heartbreak. I was 41 when I started to have miscarriages. I had five…and then I conceived my son at age 43. A healthy baby boy. I was over the moon. And I want to end my fertility days right then and there, after him,, on a positive. (He is our 10th child) Then, less than 2 years later and at age 45, I found out I was expecting again. I thought I would definitely lose this one, since I was older the chances were higher. But I didn’t. This one hung on. And here I am 26 weeks pregnant with another little boy. Except he has been diagnosed with a fatal condition. He won’t be with our family long, if he even makes it to term. It’s so hard, carrying a baby that you know you won’t be able to keep. But I am doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy, and to enjoy him…all his kicks and movements, the way he wakes up when my kids talk into my belly. Life gives you both joys and sorrows. It’s just the way it is. We can fight it, or we can accept it and find the joys in the sorrows. That’s not always easy, but it’s possible. Again, so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))
Hi don’t know if you remember me I am David’s mom he shared your link with me today and I must say it was a little hard to read because here I am 73 yrs old and it still is so very sD for me to think about . David is my little miracle and I am ever so grateful everyday that he came into this world he is my happiness and truly the love of my life . But my experiences with miscarriages one at 7 months and one befor and almost losing David , was hard. I think what you are doing sharing is wonderful I remember you and Cheo as the sweetest lovely couple and I wish you much happiness and blessings as you continus this journey . Davids ( Shadys) mom . Gerry
My heart goes out to you. I have had 2 miscarriages and lost my daughters twin when I was 30 weeks pregnant. It is hard to go through. Prayers for you and your family.
Sending you love, hugs, and prayers my Amiga!
Reading this with tears in my eyes Lisa. I am so very sorry. Take time to take care of yourself and your heart. Losing a child no matter at what stage is something no one should have to endure. xoxo