“How long are you going to be there for?” I asked.
“Oh…about 4 – 5 hours,” she said. Like it was nothing.
4 – 5 hours! At a spa? My BFF called it “relaxing.” And I guess some women may consider it a dream, the thought of it stressed me out.
It’s hard to believe that once upon a time I sat in the salon (week after week) waiting patiently for my acrylic tips to be glued, filed and polished. These days I can barely sit through a manicure and pedicure (I don’t get them often) without wanting to run out the door before the polish dries. It’s just not as relaxing as it used to be. The entire time I’m sitting there, all I can think about it is work, laundry and Norrin. I think about all the other things that I should be doing other than doing something for myself. So I don’t allow myself to enjoy the moment.
The last time (actually the only time) I had a spa massage was 4 years ago. And even in a dim lit zen room I couldn’t relax and enjoy the moment. All I could think about was everything else that needed to get done in the day.It would be nice to take a walk along Orchard Beach and enjoy the smell of the sand and the calm of the water without worrying about dishes in the sink or the bills that need to be paid or Norrin’s IEP.
The only place I seem to be (sort of) relaxed is at home. And even then, my never-ending to do list is constantly running through my mind.
Anyone who really knows me (and I guess anyone who reads my blog religiously) knows that I live with anxiety and depression. Joseph describes me as “high-strung” and worries that I’ll give myself a heart attack. And he’s probably right. About being high-strung that is, I don’t want to give myself a heart attack.
And if you know Joseph, you know he’s the most laid back, relaxed person I know. He calms me.
That’s why for 2015, I want to learn how to relax. Because while I’ve been always been anxious, there was a time in my life when I knew how to just be. When I still worried but worry didn’t consume me. And I miss that person. I’m sure Joseph misses her too.
I don’t know if the key to my relaxed mind is a day at the spa. But I’m going to think of the things that used to calm me and return to them. Just like I tell Norrin to take a deep breaths during a melt down, I will tell myself to do the same. I’ll keep you posted…
2015 is a big year for me (I turn 40 – eeks!) and there are many things I want to accomplish. But if I can focus on this one thing – how to relax – maybe everything else will fall into place.
How about you? What’s your word/goal for this year?