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| This may not seem like much but in our world, THIS IS A BIG DEAL! |
The picture of the sign went viral and sparked a debate about when a child should enter a public bathroom alone.
Related: We Need More Family Bathrooms
Personally I think 6 is way too young, even 7 or 8 is too young. And what is the big deal anyway? There are stalls and doors with locks and privacy. Women bringing boys into the ladies room really shouldn’t be that big a deal. Apparently it is.
It makes me wonder if Norrin were a “typical” 9-year-old boy, would he still come into the bathroom with me or would I allow him to venture into the men’s room solo.
But Norrin’s an atypical kid. He cannot be left unsupervised. He needs constant redirection and prompting. And while Norrin is verbal and can communicate his needs, he cannot tell me if someone has touched him inappropriately or hurt him. He has difficulty picking up social cues. Left unattended in a public bathroom, he could easily bang on the stall doors, reach into the garbage, eat something off the floor, walk out without pulling up his pants or not clean himself properly.
I mean…do you even know what it takes to get a child with autism potty trained? Let alone, trying to train them to go into a public bathroom on their own.
Norrin’s Spring Break is in a few weeks and usually I pick one day to bring him into the office to hang out with me. I’ve been at my job for 10 years. Norrin’s been coming to work with me before he could even walk. And during the potty training years, I didn’t even think about bringing him into the ladies room with me. But he’s 9. And it’s my office. It’s supposed to be a safe environment. Yet I still don’t feel comfortable sending him into the men’s room alone. Most people know that Norrin has autism. Some people don’t. After years of bringing him into work with me, I feel like it has to come to an end – because of the whole bathroom thing. Because I don’t know if every woman in my office would be okay with it. And if I sent him into the men’s room alone, I don’t know if they’d be would be okay with it either. I fear that they may quietly complain.
Parents of typical kids know that one day their kids will be able to navigate a public restroom independently. For special needs parents, it’s a goal, a hope, another milestone among many.
Some perspective: You know why I stopped to take the picture of Norrin drying his hands in the ladies room? Because there was a time when he wouldn’t even enter any bathroom if he saw one of these in there – he was that scared. He’d fight his way out if he saw it. He’d cry and scream if it went off. When he learned to tolerate the noise, he refused to use the dryer. On this day, he put his hands under the dryer on his own. It took us years to get to this. YEARS. The day he enters the men’s room alone, I’ll probably take a picture of him walking out.
Last year I wrote about why we need more family bathrooms. Family bathrooms make life so much easier. I could waltz right in and not have to worry about a thing. It would be a great way to practice going into the bathroom alone – I could send him in and follow a few seconds later to make he does what he’s supposed to. Whenever I see them, I use them.
Because when I bring my son into the ladies room, it’s a reality check. It’s a reminder of the gap between typical and atypical. The older Norrin gets, it becomes less of a choice but rather a necessity.
I would love to give him more independence, but he’s just not ready and I know he’s safest with me. But I will not always be around – what then? And that thought spirals into every why, when, how come and will he question possible.
So until there are family rooms everywhere and until Norrin is able to enter a men’s room alone – he will continue to come in with me. And if you see my son – or anyone else’s son – in the ladies room, don’t question, stare or shake your head in disgust. Don’t let your daughter laugh or point at my son for using the ladies room. Don’t judge me or wonder about him without putting yourself in our shoes and thinking about why we’re both there.
Good luck with that. I've no issue with way-too-old-boys in the ladies room — but know rather a lot of (genuinely lovely) folks who do. My neighborhood is 98%+ ultra-Orthodox Jewish (though my family is not). Think "Fiddler on the Roof". Think married women in shaitels. A post-upshairn boy in the ladies room? Non-starter. Total non-starter.
My girls take swim lessons at the local community center — I usually take them, so the changeroom' not an issue. The occasional time hubby takes them? They wear swimsuits under their clothes, put their clothes back on after swimming and shower/clean up at home. Little girls in the men's room? Not. Happening. Either.
Rules are there for reasons. Some people are really, really uncomfortable with "big boys" in the ladies room.
(The alternative is to teach your 9 yo to safely use the bathroom alone. Folks do it all the time).
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you are not a parent of a child with special needs.
I’m going to go out further on a limb and assume you did not read Lisa’s second to last paragraph:
“Because when I bring my son into the ladies room, it's a reality check. It's a reminder of the gap between typical and atypical. The older Norrin gets, it becomes less of a choice but rather a necessity. I would love to give him more independence but he's just not ready and I know he's safest with me. But I will not always be around – what then? And that thought spirals into every why, when, how come and will he question possible.”
I’m going to go even further out on that same limb and assume you did not read Lisa’s paragraph or post on “Why we need more family bathrooms” because unless you have a child with special needs you probably have never HAD to think about it.
I don’t like to assume because we all know what they say when you “assume” and yet here we are.
Perhaps you should reread Lisa’s post with an empathetic and open mind and I will try to reread your comment as being less judgmental and biased.
Until you've walked in the shoes of parent of an autistic child, you cannot know. I pray other will continue to extend mercy and kindness and understanding to you without judgment all of your days. Blessings.
Suzanne! Suzanne from New York City!!! You are here too? I thought you only trolled on MY blog! You look at all the autism blogs and tell us what lousy parents we are???!!! Now I do not feel nearly as special.
Lisa, Great article. I'm also Lisa. I'm from Quirks and Chaos where I blog and Suzanne often trolls my posts to post very mean remarks. Once she called my son "an autistic dumpling" and my readers usually respond to her comments and tear her up.
Glad to know that person is a trolled for entertainment and sorry I wasted my valuable time replying!! Thanks for the head's up! God bless you!
It is so very interesting that parents of kids on the spectrum who haven't bothered to teach their child to potty independently by age, say, 7 and up seek advice from other parents of kids on the spectrum who have yet to master this basic skill. Instead of parents whose kids have been successfully potty trained… and are on the spectrum too!
Given that 1 in 68 kids are on the spectrum and one rarely encounters boys aged 7 and older in the ladies room suggests autistic kids can be pitty-trained.
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, doing your best isn't even in the vicinity of enough of you can't be bothered to do what's required.
Another ignorant poster and mom of an autistic child, imagine! Thankfully your child is higher functioning. You will not see higher functioning autistic boys or even the lowest functioning autistic boys in the ladies room so ya they are few and far between but that doesn't mean we should be less tolerant.
My 8 year old isn't fully potty trained yet due to physical issues, but other than that he is very high functioning. I've just now gotten to the point I can send him to the men's room alone IF i'm sure he's clean and IF I'm sure all he has to do is pee. If I can't check those boxes it's off to the ladies room with us and although there have been some looks no one has taken obvious offense. It's silly anyway since women use stalls. I'm really not sure what all the concern is about. It's not like boys want to use the ladies room if they are old enough and able to use the men's room. If an older boy is in with the ladies there is a good reason.
I hate sending my 9 yo son on the spectrum in alone. I am so worried. I am fortunate to have a 13 yo son would is neurotypical, my dad and my husband so I have extra male help. There are times though it's just the two of us and 50% he is by myself. The day someone say something to my face will be the day they are ripped a new butt hole. His safety is far more important that someone's short lived discomfort. My dad caught him trying to kneel at a urinal, sitting on a filthy bathroom floor and not washing his hands when he's run ahead. Dad walks with a cane so he gets ahead of him sometimes. He is really high functioning but the hand dryers and flushing sets him into minor meltdowns in some public restrooms. The high speed hand dryers and low water toilets with the high speed flush are hard on his hearing. People need to accept that these kids are not typical and let it go. I will read some one the riot act though if they question my judgement. My child, my responsibility, and my choices. I see those signs I won't frequent that business anymore. Enough of us make a stand like that in today's economy it will hurt.
I have a 9 year old on the spectrum and a 7 year old that isn't. But my 7 year old really has issues with the noise from some toilets and had dryers. I love family restrooms. My 9 year old can go in to the men's room with no problem, but I spend the entire time terrified. He wants to be grown up though so I let him do it.
Ladies, those signs, unless legislated by government have No Legal Standing! Well, at least here in South Australia where I live. I found that out from a Trainer when I did my Child Safe Reporting (aka Mandatory Reporting) refresher training this week.
My little guy is seven and we are still toilet training too, number ones are usually ok, but number two? Well without assistance that is a very messy proposition. He is a charming fellow, bright, funny, cute and trusting, with absolutely no concept of stranger danger. There is no way, at seven, I would allow him to go into the Men's on his own even if he wasn't on the Autistic spectrum. So Suzanne? I'm assuming you may not even have children, because I have three and if I even think they may be in danger, or unable to care for themselves adequately I will do whatever I need to protect and assist them. Please do not judge others until you have walked in their shoes.
wow, rules are rules…very narrow minded. Going to the bathroom is a basic human need. There is no way anyone is gonna stop me from taking my son into a womans bathroom, or a mens room if need be. He is 13, nonverbal and on the low end of the autism spectrum. He has very poor fine motor skills and low muscle tone. There is no way he could ever go in a restroom without help. I not only bring him into the womens restroom with me, but i also bring him into the handicap stall if its available. He stands 5'8" tall and weighs 150 pounds. I not only need to assist him in getting his pants down (if he hasn't already gone) but need to remove his shoes, pants and pull up to change him if he has gone and soiled through them. What takes the average adult or non disable child 5 minutes at most to go in and out of a restroom, can take 20 minutes or more, each time he has to be taken. So sad that people make it their business, what other parents feel they need to do to meet their child's needs. Even if he was toilet trained, there is no way i would send him alone into a public mens bathroom. This world is full of pedafiles, and there is no way i would chance anything happening to him. He would not be able to tell anyone what happened. To assume, just because other people have managed to train their disabled child to do things on their own, that everyones child is the same. Its not for the lack of effort, believe me.
I am the mother of a daughter and would not feel comfortable sending her into a bathroom knowing that there could be a boy in there. She is still young but there are times i have to send her in alone for whatever reason. i understand that children with special needs may need to use the bathroom in public but once they over the age of ten, as a parent of a daughter, i feel they shoukd no longer be in the girls bathroom. My daughter's father wont take her in the boys bathroom and she is under the age of 5, instead he either sends her into the girls alone, uses a family bathroom, takes a female family member with him or plans ahead and makes her go to the bathroom before they leave home and doesnt stay gone long. Children at a really young age, including my child, ask why boys are in the girl's bathroom. Daycares and schools dont let boys and girls share bathrooms and children learn early on that isnt suppose to happen. Please consider the feelings and believes of others especially those with young daughters before you take an older boy, special needs or not, into a girl's bathroom.
We aren't SENDING our sons into the ladies room, we are BRINGING them with us into the restroom. That means we are watching them and making sure that not only are they doing their business as efficiently and clean as possible, but we're also making sure our sons are not doing anything that is inappropriate that would hurt anyone or make others feel more uncomfortable than we do
First of all, you are talking about a boy who is being attended by an adult. He is not standing at a urinal. He is in a closed stall. If he should come out while she is washing her hands, and she sees him. Perhaps you could do what i would do if it were the other way around. I would explain to my daughter, even though there are mens and ladies rooms, that in some situations, because the boy has special needs, he has to have his mothers help and thats why she brings him with her to the ladies room. Your right, schools dont do that, my son is in a special needs classroom. They have their own bathroom so that the aid assisting him can take him in their and help him. Its very large room, so she can have space to undress him and change him. Consider the feelings and beliefs of others? good gawd, your talking about the need to go to the bathroom. Its not like he or i have a choice. What you probably are not aware of, is while you can just go out in public and utilize a public restroom at your leisure, its not the same for parents with children with special needs. The last thing i want is to upset anyone we come in contact with. A trip to the store or whatever place is public, entails a lot of pre planning. If i know we need to go somewhere public, and he may need to utilize a restroom, i limit his fluids before hand, use an extra exorbitant pull up and even add a liner, just in case he does go,and hope he doesn't wet or soil his pants. If and when that happens and he needs to go to a bathroom, the last thing on my mind, is worrying about whether or not someone is going to be offended or make it their business that he is with his mother, being attended to. It is not a choice, its a necessity. If public places had more family restrooms, where anyone with a disability or special need could go and be alone with those that need to assist them, where they wouldn't have to worry about who is offended, i would surely resort to using that restroom. Until then, i have way too much to deal with each day, and if my son has to be attended to, i am going to be much more concerned with his feelings and needs than anyone elses.
If we could all just love and let the judging and all up to the only One who has that power, we would all do much better together. Until a person has an autistic child, they cannot possibly grasp the issues at the heart of the patent who already blatantly knows how different things painfully have to be on a minute by minute basis. Some cannot even go out to a public place some days due to health issues and behaviors. LOVE and HELP one another. It's how we were created!!!
I am the single mother of two "typical" boy and I have a very hard time letting either of them use the men's room alone. I have been very luck to have had no real problems with them using the ladies. Even more lucky to have family restrooms almost everywhere in the Seattle area.
I am the single mother of two "typical" boy and I have a very hard time letting either of them use the men's room alone. I have been very luck to have had no real problems with them using the ladies. Even more lucky to have family restrooms almost everywhere in the Seattle area.
I am the mother of an 11 year old boy who has Autism. He is non verbal, has poor fine motor skills and does not understand that it isn't appropriate to look under the stall doors.So sending him into the men's room alone is out of the question. If a family or handicap bathroom is not available I take him into the ladies room. So far I have been fortunate and no one has said anything negative to me. I would like them to try. I am always with him, he does nothing inappropriate and most importantly he is safe.