When I was 17 years old, I wanted to be an actress. Being involved in the school plays throughout high school, I was told I was good. And I believed I had a chance. When it came time to apply for colleges, I wanted to audition for the American Academy of Dramatic Arts.
When I told my mother, she said: There are people out there who have more talent in their pinky than you have in your entire body. And you can’t handle rejection.
I resented my mother for those words. But they were strong enough, to discourage me from applying. I have carried those words, of not being good enough, with me for 20 years. And whenever something happens in my life that feels like failure – they are the first words I hear.
My mother wasn’t trying to be cruel. I know because she supports me in my writing. (Last year when my Mac died and I was without a laptop, she gave me the money to buy a new one. When I protested she said, “You can’t write without your computer.”) It’s only now that I’m a mother myself, that I understand. We want so much to protect our kids from pain and disappointment, that we will say or do anything especially when we see the signs of fragility.
Last year, I gathered the courage to audition for the Listen To Your Mother Show. I didn’t make it but was encouraged to return the following year to audition. This year, I signed up and received my appointment date. And then…I cancelled my audition. I told myself that it was pointless because I failed the year before and I was scared to try again.
I spoke to a friend who also auditioned last year and didn’t make it. She emailed me the other day and told me that this year, she auditioned and got in. She refused to be discouraged. She took a chance.
I wish I had done the same.
Sure there are moments, when I stand on the ledge and jump without thinking. And in those moments when I let go of my fear, I have had both failure and success. One cannot exist without the other. But more often than not, the fear of failure holds me back. It’s safer to watch from the sidelines as others pursue their dreams. I allow opportunities to slip away because I believe I will not succeed.
I cannot continue to let fear of failure rule my life decisions. I have to at least give myself the opportunity to try. I have to let go of the words that hurt and hold me back. If I ever want to succeed at being a writer, I have to be willing to fail.
And next year, I’m auditioning for the Listen to Your Mother Show.
Powerful words. Fear can be a terrifying thing. I have don the acting/singing thing and met with rejection and success…and then I moved onto writing and met with a LOT more rejection, until finally I found success. Still, even today when I send in a story I get that gut-wrenching clench of fear in my gut. I hope you submit and audition next year…there is nothing wrong with a little fear…sometimes it helps. 🙂
Yes – I feel that way too the few times I've submitted a story. The waiting is the worst part. But yes, sometimes fear helps.
I would love to audition but I'm petrified. I really hope you do it. I hope you take the leap and audition. What an inspiration you would be.
Thank you so much Leighann. Let's make a deal. Next year – WE BOTH audition.
Fear can be crippling. I stopped chasing certain dreams as a teen because my dad would always ask what I would do for a real job. He's apologized countless times in my adulthood, and has regrets for discouraging me – but I still sometimes hear those words in the back of my head.
Now that I'm a mom – I understand that aspect of wanting your kid to have "real job" but at the same time, I wish our parents could have allowed us a little time to chase our dreams. But it's nice that your dad has apologized. My mother has never said "I'm sorry" but I believe she is so supportive now because she wants me to pursue the thing that makes me happy.
I wish you had tried this year. I love your voice and think that they missed out by not having you.
But I get it- my own mom told me that I wasn't good enough for various things in my life (it was usually having to do with not being pretty enough for something) and it weighed on me.
Thank you so very much Shell! Next year, I will audition and just put myself out there.
Words from our childhood always weigh us down. It's the reason why I'm so careful with what I say to Norrin.
XO – you are beautiful!
Fear has held me back for many years. I had a mother similar to yours and her comments still stick with me every time I try to succeed. I really hope you audition next year!
I am going to try and push my mother's words aside and concentrate on what I can do. I was watching something football related – can't remember what. But they were talking to a dad of a football player. And he said something like: I know it's really hard to make it to the NFL and that's its a one in a million shot but I encouraged him to try because – why not him?
So WHY NOT US?
I relate so much to this. My mother said similar things to me as a kid that didn't always keep me from trying but did keep me from trying confidently enough too succeed. And I also auditioned for LYTM last year, didn't get in, and decided not to this year. It's such a struggle, the trying and failing and trying again.
Okay Tricia – we are GOING for it NEXT YEAR! Let's build up each other's confidence!