This is me in 2003. I was at my thinnest and most fit.
As confident as I look in this photo (at 134 lbs) I’d still ask Joseph how I looked before we walked out the door. “Does this make me look fat?“
He’d say no but I didn’t really believe him.
I’d look in the mirror and all I could see were my flaws.
Eleven years and 36+ lbs later, I still ask Joseph if I look fat before walking out the door.
I wish I was as “fat” as I used to think I was.
Though I know it doesn’t really matter how much weigh. At 134 lbs, I wasn’t happy and at 171 lbs, I’m still not happy.
I have struggled with body image and self esteem most of my life. From a size 4 to a size 14, no matter what size I am, it never seems to be enough. I never seem to be enough.
Earlier this year, I made a promise to myself to become healthier. I told myself that there would be no more excuses. I’ve been trying to work out at home, get to the gym and eat better. I even took a yoga class – something I had never done before. (That post is coming.)
Last week, I was so inspired by Lupita Nyong’o and her message to young girls about beauty. I need to apply her message to myself. I can’t allow the numbers on my scale to determine my self-worth. Because it’s never been about my weight. It’s been about how I’ve felt about myself. At this point, it’s not about vanity (well, maybe just a little bit) but I need to live for as long as I can. I need to be healthy. I need to be physically and mentally healthy. It’s time to focus on who I am rather than what size I am. And I need to know that I am enough.
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[…] I was a mom, I weighed 133 lbs. and wore a size 4-6 and I was still self-concious about my body. But that was a long time ago and I’m still coming to terms with my new body. My weight has […]