And Then I Burst Into Tears (in Public)

Being a stay-at-home mom was never part of the plan. Not even after Norrin was diagnosed with autism. And while there are moments when I have my SAHM fantasies, every so often – especially during school breaks, I am reminded of my original choice to be a work outside the home mom. 

[ related: I Could Never Be a Stay-at-Home Mom ]

And then something crazy happens and I think – if  I was a stay-at-home mom this would not be an issue. Yesterday was one of those days. 

I arrived at work at 8:30 am and I had my day planned out. 

Like most mornings I called my mom to check in. My dad answered and said my mom would call me back. He then told me that my grandfather had passed away the night before and my mother was making the necessary arrangements. I hung up and stared at my computer screen for a few minutes unsure of what to do next. My first instinct was to pack up sh*t, shut down my computer and take the train into Queens to be with my mom. But I knew that wasn’t an option and so I went about my work day, wanting to get through as quickly as possible. (This post isn’t about my grandfather and I am not ready to write about him just yet.)

And then at 1:45 I get a call. There was some confusion with Norrin’s after school pick up. Any other day I would have tried to call my parents first to see if one of them could get to Norrin. But my parents had their hands full. I put my stack of paperwork aside, e-mailed my bosses and ran out of the office.

By the time I walked across town to the 6 train on 59th Street (the walk is 5 minutes longer than the connecting trains – and I needed the walk to clear my head) I had just missed a train. But I was still good with time. 

The platform was unusually crowded. And when the 6 came along, it was crowded but I pushed myself in. 

Then we get to 86th Street. And that’s when the train stopped, announcing train delays due to a police investigation. In my head I’m like, are you effin kidding me? Five minutes, ten minutes pass and people start walking off the train. I check the time nervously calculating my time and it was getting close. 

Another ten minutes pass and I walk off the train, my hands shaking by this time and walk close to the exit so I can use my cell phone trying to contact someone, anyone who could pick Norrin up from the bus at 3:20. I called Joseph. And I call two friends. No one picked up the phone. And I am basically screwed. 

On the platform I see a man talking to the cops. And the cops are questioning a woman. The woman had pushed the man and the man felt like his life was threatened, so he reported it to the cops on the platform and THAT WAS WHY THE TRAIN WAS STOPPED. 

In my head I’m thinking, they have to get the train going soon (and a few other things I’ll keep to myself)…so I squeeze myself in a crowded train car. 

I look at the time. It’s 2:45 and I am still in the city and I need to get all the up to The Bronx. 

And that’s when I started to cry. Thank goodness for big sunglasses! Because I’m standing in a packed subway, crying. At 2:50 the train finally pulls out of the station and I’m hoping that nothing else goes wrong. 

By the time I was able to call the bus driver and matron it was 3:21pm. And I am RUNNING. (Um…did you see my vlog? I am overweight and out of shape.) The matron is kind of yelling at me… They had been waiting in front of the building and I could hear Norrin in the background. I apologized in between pants and said I was running as fast as I could. “If you need to drop off another kid, go ahead I’ll wait.” The matron said something I couldn’t understand and then hung up. 

By the time I got in front of my building, the bus was gone. GONE! 

And then I burst into tears. Like ugly crying, shoulder shaking, hyperventilating tears. 

The bus came back within five minutes – they just drove around the block. I never worried that they wouldn’t bring him back it was just the stress of the day had taken its toll. And I hated the thought of Norrin not understanding why someone wasn’t there to pick him up. 

Being a working mom has so many benefits but then there are moments when being a work-outside-the-home mom sucks. I may do many things but I am not a super woman. I cannot be in two places at once and I cannot do it all with ease. I truly have to depend on a village to help with my kid. And when you have a kid with special needs putting your trust in the village can be really hard. That’s the flip side.